Trump to Declare War Against the Sun

The sun should not continue as a nuclear power, says President-elect Donald Trump.

Campbell is a retired FAA air traffic controller, who is also a pretty serious history, politics and trivia “geek.” He has been described as a pretty “punny” guy with occasional episodes of rational thought. He has lived equal parts of his life in the North and the South, so, wherever he goes, people keep saying, “He’s not ours.” Most notably, he was recently under serious consideration to be the new Secretary of Common Sense, until that post was eliminated in a cost cutting move.

Campbell is a retired FAA air traffic controller, who is also a pretty serious history, politics and trivia “geek.” He has been described as a pretty “punny” guy with occasional episodes of rational thought. He has lived equal parts of his life in the North and the South, so, wherever he goes, people keep saying, “He’s not ours.” Most notably, he was recently under serious consideration to be the new Secretary of Common Sense, until that post was eliminated in a cost cutting move.

NEWS ITEM—President-elect Donald Trump, stating that he doesn’t really believe that solar energy is economically viable, nor that its growth is in the long term “best interests” of the United States, announced today that one of his first priorities as president will be to declare war against the Sun.

Further, the incoming president indicates he doesn’t think the sun should be allowed to continue to be a nuclear power.

“Look, for years the sun has been launching radiation, solar flares, whatever...at Earth, coming out of almost everywhere and the UN has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. They’re a useless, bloated bureaucracy sitting in one of the ugliest buildings in Manhattan. This is some of the most prime real estate in New York City, folks and it’s just sitting there useless, not paying any taxes. And President Obama?  He has known that this has been happening since Day One and what has he done? Nothing. That’s just wrong. And it’s going to change.”

Dennis Miller, spokesman for the pro-sun group, “Miller Light,” issued a press release against Mr. Trump’s proposal calling it “an appeal to the darker side of humanity,” but Trump ally Newt Gingrich dismissed the group as a just shadowy “less filling” organization funded by groups like Bain Capital, which, “we all know is run by well-known anti-Trump conspirator and nary a hair out of place critic Mitt Romney.”

“If you ask me, there’s entirely too much public fascination with and dependence on the sun. It’s unhealthy, it causes cancer and heatstroke and drought for millions of people each year. Fascinating studies have shown that there is essentially nothing useful that we currently get from the sun, that we can’t get from tanning beds instead. Tanning beds, incidentally, made in America by American workers.”

Mr. Trump told reporters, “We all know that these are kooky, left wing nutjobs. But once we destroy the sun, everyone will see the lies and the deceptions these people have been telling us about global warming. It’s just a hoax, folks. And once the sun is gone, environmentalist groups like these will be the first ones in line begging the government for coal-fired power plants.”

Meanwhile, former president Jimmy Carter told a Chicago newspaper that he will be making a personal trip to the sun, as a private citizen, to try to find a way to lower the diplomatic temperature.

Acknowledging that, while the sun is one of the most hostile places in the solar system for humans to exist, Mr. Carter refused to specifically condemn living conditions there. “When dealing with ‘nucular energy’ and its possible cataclysmic effects on us all, every step should be taken to ensure that...cooler heads prevail.”

In the meantime, during a surprisingly candid interview on the Kelly File on FOX News, where host Megyn Kelly seems to be finally realizing that the American public really doesn’t care where she ends up, Clinton campaign advisor John Podesta refused to rule out the possiblility of Russian influence on Trump’s decision.

PODESTA: “Look, it is clear that the Sun is a large, angry, white mass of light with a discernable, recognized history of explosive outbursts...”

KELLY: “Which we all read in your emails...”

PODESTA: “As such, Trump and the sun would actually seem to me to have natural common interests, but no. So it is reasonable to ask, who is really behind this agenda?”

KELLY: “Well I certainly don’t know, do you?”

PODESTA: “Megyn, while I was in London last week to deliver a lecture the British public about their clearly unenlightened decision to leave the EU, it occurred to me to wonder, ‘Who benefits from an attack on the sun?’”

KELLY: “Mr. Podesta...Obviously, I’m not Bill O’Reilly, but I am taller than Sean Hannity and a former lawyer. In your opinion, where does the evidence lead?”

PODESTA:  “Megyn, as I told Rachel Maddow and both her viewers last night, it turns out we’re not exactly sure who to blame, but clearly it’s not our fault."

Finally, later in the evening, the cast of Cirque de Soleil interrupted a performance of the show in Sun City, Fla., to appeal to Vice President-elect Mike Pence, who happened to be in attendance, along with a number of political luminaries. Afterwards, Mr. Pence, seeming somewhat subdued, simply stated, “This will not be an easy struggle. I would just ask the prayers of all Americans in the coming dark days ahead.”